Coworker, at his own going away party: We have to keep in touch, OK? I feel like we were just getting to be friends! I was starting to have half a crush on you.

Me: Dude what the fuck, you’re married. You can’t talk about work crushes.

Coworker: That’s why I said half. Are we Facebook friends?

Me: No.

Coworker: We should be Facebook friends.

Me: I don’t know, do you have any cute pictures of your baby on there?

Coworker: So many.

*****

Woman with multiple degrees of rank on me, in front of me but not to me: That’s what’s so funny about Katie, is that she seems so nice and pretty, but then when you start talking to her it’s all “higher education is a corporate cesspool” or “you’re probably going to get cancer…”